Speaking my children's love language is a way that I can help to fill their "emotional tank" with love. When their tank is filled, it makes life easier. In other words, when life gets busy and I have not taken the time to love on my kids, I notice misbehaviour increases and discipline is more difficult. It is important to offer unconditional love to our children to affirm and show acceptance of who they are and who they were created to be, not for what they do or do not do. It is becoming more difficult to raise emotionally healthy children in today's society with so many pressures - to do as the world expects, rather than to live with an audience of ONE in mind. I believe that is why it is even more important to understand the love languages and use them all in balance, also paying special attention to the love languages that speak most to your children.
Chapman reminds readers that as they implement the five love languages, they should also frequently remind themselves of the following (yes, they are obvious):
-They are children and will act like children.
-Much childish behaviour is unpleasant but as they mature, they will give up their childish ways.
-Remember to express love unconditionally, not just when they please you as they won't feel genuine love and this will affect their self-image and make them feel insecure.
-They will feel their best is never enough if you only love them when they meet the expectations you have for them. This will affect their esteem and anxiety and insecurities will show themselves over time. Therefore it is important to remind yourself that you are responsible to help grow them into the young men and women God intended them to be. (No pressure or anything.)
-Loving them unconditionally will help them to understand who they are and be comfortable in that as they grow into adulthood.
Don't assume that your children just automatically know that you love them unconditionally - show them with love in action by speaking their love language.
The Five Love Languages:
1. Physical Touch - a strong voice that shows love but often gets overlooked, especially as children get older. Studies have shown that babies who were given physical touch (held, hugged, kissed) develop a healthier emotional life than those where this was lacking. Often we touch only when necessary, for example when helping our children dress. But, the need for touch is greater than what is required out of necessity.
I don't have issue with physical touch as I am a hugger and love to hug but I also know that this can sometimes make people feel uncomfortable. It came as no surprise to me that Jaret's love language is physical touch. He has always been my cuddle bug. And yet, I would know better than to go up and hug him in front of his friends. I love the moments when Jaret will just come and snuggle beside me during movie night. One evening we were in the bonus room getting ready to watch a movie. I was sitting in the chair and even though I didn't think there was much room, Jaret came and snuggled right in. We snuggled close for the whole movie and both of our love tanks were filled.
If your child's love language is physical touch...
-greet or say good-bye to children using touch (hug, high five, kiss)
-cuddle often, especially when they are sick
-upset child, comfort them by stroking their head or rubbing their back
-after discipling, take a moment to give a hug to show that discipline was based on consequences of wrong choices and to reaffirm your love for them, despite mistakes made
-read stories while snuggling close
2. Words of Affirmation - long before words are even understood by children, they receive emotional messages through our tone and the gentleness, warmth and love we convey through our words/voice. We need to show affection by expressing appreciation for the child God created them to be and all that encompasses. In contrast, praising our child is expressing words of encouragement for what the child does. Remember to be genuine in giving praise and give it only when it is justified. Using praise too often or just when the child is average at doing something will come across as insincere.
Our words can build up or tear down. Our words can encourage or discourage. One thing I am learning to do is to turn encouragement into building the character and virtue I want to see in my children. "Kirra, when you decided not to eat the last creamsicle and save it for Jaret, that showed kindness. I love your kind and thoughtful heart." Encouraging others has such power and can be such a gift. As a parent, it is important for me to remember to find more ways I can encourage, rather than point out the negative of what is not being done. And of course, my tone of voice often needs a check. "I have told you to put your clothes in the hamper three times," does not work as well as "Please throw the clothes in the hamper (even if it is the third time - focusing on tone and yet being direct)." I do find though that catching them doing good and thanking them works well. Not just for them but for me and my attitude - showing gratitude for a job rather than nagging for them to do a job.
Our children need guidance and I would rather be able to help guide them than leave it to outside influences. Chapman suggests asking yourself, "Are my children receiving positive and loving guidance?" Loving guidance is that which always has the child's best interest in mind as a means of developing the child's character to be a functioning member of society. Sometimes it is important for us to remember that the purpose isn't to make us as parents look good. I was reminded of that recently and it was humbling.
If your child's love language is words of affirmation...
-leave an encouragement notes in their lunch kit
-when talking about what they want to be when they grow up, encourage ways they can pursue their dreams
-create a special name of affection for your child
-make it a habit to say, "I love you" as you tuck them at night or come up with a special phrase
When I leave my children each day for school, I always say, "Be God's. I love you." And as I tuck them, after prayers, I whisper, "Sweet dreams. Sleep tight. I love you, my prince/princess. Good Night."
-create an encouragement jar that your family can drop notes into and read through them on a regular basis
3. Quality Time - time spent as a family where you put aside distractions (devices) and give your child your undivided attention. This one came in as a strong second for both my children and I try to foster this in many different ways. One of my favourite ways is to escape to Starbucks with a board game as it holds me accountable to taking the time to spend focused on my children. Playing a board game at home is fine too but easier to get distracted by the many things that require doing around the house. Quality time does not require going somewhere special. I love the moments when Jaret and I just shoot baskets or when Kirra and I cuddle up and read story after story. Often when I am spending this time with the kids, we are able to talk openly about different things that are on their mind. I am so grateful that my children share with me and pray that this openness will continue through the years.
If your child's love language is quality time...
-include your child in the daily errands of life, even if it does take longer
Both of my children like being my helper - at times. I love when Kirra will just start carrying in the bags after we have been out shopping. And she is kind of cute the way she tells me to leave some of them in the back of the truck so she can be my helper.
-cook or bake together
This one has taken a bit of practice for me as I do not like to cook or bake but I know how much it means to Kirra so I make a point of doing it regularly.
-turn off your favourite show to watch a kid's show
Lately a favourite has been Curious George. I love how innocent that is.
-ask specific questions about your child's day at school to get them talking (more than yes/no responses)
-spend time playing with your kids at the park rather than just watching them play and be active as a family
This list could go on and on as the possibilities are endless.
Jaret practicing math facts with Kirra one night before bed. When I was about to tell them they should both be in bed, this is the scene I walked into and it just melted my heart.
Terry spent quality time with Jaret building a tin can cable car.
Water fight! Always quality time, right?
Obviously the kids were victorious!
Quality time as a family at State & Main wrapped up a busy weekend. Who can refuse with such beautiful weather? The deck was calling.
4. Gifts - giving and receiving gifts is a way to express love - with no expectation for being paid back. The grace of giving has more to do with the thought than the actual gift itself. I thought for sure this would be Kirra's number one love language as she loves gifts. However, it turned out not to be as high on the list as I thought. It made Jaret's top three, coming in a strong third.
Recently Kirra received a gift from her brother and needed to learn the art of accepting a gift with gratitude. Jaret had been on a field trip to Pioneer Acres and while there, he had some money he could spend at the General Store. He bought candy for himself and found a bracelet for Kirra. The bracelet, he pointed out, was as close to her favourite colour of turquoise and that is why he chose it. How sweet is that? Kirra however asked what kind of candy he bought and said she would have preferred candy over a bracelet. I guess I have a little work to do on girls and jewels. Anyway, after a little chat about having a heart of gratitude and how kind and thoughtful it was of Jaret to buy her a gift, let alone put so much thought into it, she should be a little more appreciative. By the end of the car ride home, she said thank you and was excited to show Dad her gift when she walked through the door (even if she did bring up the candy Jaret bought and already ate).
-keep a small collection of inexpensive gifts to give when appropriate
Terry's parents have often sent the kids little gifts in the mail. They love getting the mail and the little gift. Recently it was a journal and both kids were excited as they like the though of having their own journal to write in.
-be thoughtful in selecting gifts that are meaningful and meet interests of your child
-the gift of a special meal for a special occasion or to celebrate, perhaps even served on a special plate (and is also time together)
-create a scavenger hunt for a gift to make receiving it even more special
I remember a few years ago, my Dad put together a little treasure hunt for Jaret in their backyard. He absolutely loved this and still has the map and treasures he found tucked away in a special place.
-make personal coupons for your child for some things they enjoy (bike ride as a family, you pick the meal for supper, an extra half hour of cuddles before bed)
5. Acts of Service - parenting is a service orientated job and is physically and emotionally demanding. As parents we must pay attention to our own physical and emotional health so that we can care for others. Acts of service is Kirra's primary love language. When I reflected on this, it made sense, even though I was initially a little surprised. Kirra loves to help but she also loves when I help her. When her room is a disaster zone, and it often is, she appreciates when I come in and work alongside her to get it cleaned up.
There are times as a mom that I feel that I have no energy left and that all I do is serve. This can be exhausting and sometimes frustrating. Sometimes I need to check myself and the attitude with which I serve and more importantly I need to remember who I am serving. Serving others needs to be done out of love. When done in this light, it also sets an example for my children about what servanthood looks like. It teaches them how they should serve with a giving and loving heart and why they would want to serve. I would definitely like to learn to do better in this area, especially considering it is Kirra's love language. I would rather reach her on this level and keep her emotional tank full than enter into a battle with her (we are both a little strong-willed at times).
If your child's love language is acts of service...
-help your child practice skill for their sports activities
Jaret absolutely loves when we go to the baseball diamond. He and Terry spend time practicing his hits and just throw the ball around. This is always a highlight for Jaret at the end of a day.
-going out of your way to set up a favourite movie or make soup for your child when they are sick
-instead of telling your child to go to bed, help them get ready for bed and spend time tucking them
-make a list of some of the favourites your child likes to do and then surprise them when they least expect it with one of those activities
-sit down and help your child on their homework
Kirra loves practicing her spelling words and Bible verses with us. Jared appreciates our help too but more and more feels he should be able to do homework without help. This wasn't possible with the last project he had. Rube Goldberg. OIY! This was a science project that needed to use 4 of the 6 simple machines they had learned about. It needed to begin with the end in mind. It required a minimum of 8 steps. You could only touch it once to get the chain reaction started and then every step needed to work based on the one before. Terry and I were in trouble and seriously wondered if we would pass Grade 4 or if we would be the cause of Jaret failing Grade 4. This was definitely a family project. A project that taught us that we don't always show the fruit of the spirit of patience when needed. That we need to work on communication skills. That Jaret needs more sleep than he thinks and when he is tired he becomes a little more teary. But, happy to say, in the end we overcame all of these challenges and found success with Jaret's Rube Goldberg Fish Feeding Frenzy. He ended up scoring a 95% on the project. But more than that was how he felt when it all came together.
1. How does a child love?
2. What does my child need when he/she misbehaves?
Asking ourselves these questions helps us to remember to guide and train our children rather than punishing and punishing in a way that may not be appropriate to the misbehaviour. Often the causes of misbehaviour are an empty love tank. I have been tracking this since reading the book and see where this is true. I see more misbehaviour in my children when they are overtired, out of normal routine, and when we have not filled their love tanks due to our hectic schedules.
In fact, when I was talking with Jaret one evening about love languages and asking him a few questions, I was humbled. He shared how sometimes when I raise my voice, he doesn't feel loved. That was a wake-up call for me. I like to get things checked off my list. I have things to do. I...you see where I am going. My world, my work, my hectic pace means that I sometimes don't have the patience I should or take the time I want to take to fill up my children's love tank. And in the end, it is costly. Jared admitted that he knows I love him deeply but sometimes all he wants is for me to use my words with a kinder tone and just hang out more together. So although Jaret's love language isn't words of affirmation, when I don't love him using these words of affirmation along with quality time, it affects him greatly. Which in turn affects me greatly as I want to be the mom who takes the time to love him like he needs to be loved and how I want to love him.
Obviously this is a brief overview to the book and just some of my perspective from reading it. This is a book that every parent should read - sooner rather than later so that you are able to completely reach your child where they are at and in a way that they need so they feel your unconditional love. A great read and with summer right around the corner...add it to your reading list if you haven't already read it.
Thanks for reading and thank you for allowing me to share my vulnerabilities as a parent. I hope that you can learn from them.
Love on and fill the love tanks of your children!
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