Choosing to SEE

I have been reading the book, "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman.  It has been such a good read but also a very difficult read.  I think every time I pick it up to read I have tears streaming down my face - from happy tears to tears of sadness.  Mary Beth Chapman is wife of Christian singer/songwriter, Steven Curtis Chapman.  The book is her journey of life - a life that isn't at all what she planned.  And really, when we think about it, we know that life is not about our plan but the plan that God has for us.  The beginning of the book talks about Mary Beth's struggles with control issues and with depression.  She unveils her struggles in the book and is transparent as she wrestles with questions such as where God is when things fall apart and how God allows terrible things to happen in our world.  Mary Beth and Steven are parents to three biological children and three adopted children.  The book begins from the beginning describing the ups and downs of life as newlyweds, children, and adoption.  About half-way into the book, Mary Beth shares of the great loss of their five year old daughter, Maria, who was run over by their son, Will.  Perhaps now you understand why I had tears streaming down my face when I read this book.

One part of her book that really touched me was an entry she wrote on December 12, 2008 regarding Christmas:

As we enter this Christmas season and all of the festivities that it brings, it also makes the point even louder that one of us is missing.  A stocking that won't be filled, and less presents under the tree.

Maria had a contagious giggle that would fill the room over the wonderment of finding the elf that moves to a different spot every day during the month of December.  The reality that the precious laughter of Maria won't be heard for a while has been a quiet loudness that screams for Jesus to come quickly...not as a baby in a humble manger, but as the King of all kings who will wipe all of the confusion and tears from this sad mother's eyes!  I am eagerly anticipating His arrival...

As I anticipate Christmas 2008, I have many thoughts flying through my heart and head.  The last several days, my mind has not been able to stop thinking about Mary, the mother of Jesus.  Pregnant and scared, knowing that the baby she was carrying would pay the ultimate price of His life.

How would I have lived differently if I knew that my time with Maria was going to be this short?

Regretfully, I would have lived much differently.  I would have purposely hugged and kissed more.  I would have tried to memorize and lock away in my heart certain smells and smiles.  I would have coloured more and worked less.  I would have laughed more and fussed less.  

Bedtime wouldn't have become a chore to check off the list of things to get done.  Instead it would have been more of an opportunity to listen about the day and offer whatever words were needed.  The swimming pool wouldn't have been too cold to swim in.  The flowers in the garden would have all been picked, and definitely more ice cream would have been consumed.  

I wonder what it was like for Mary after her son's death.  I know she saw him resurrected and was certain of the fact that she would see Him again, but she was still His mom.  Mary found favour with God; therefore, she was chosen to be Jesus' mom.  But because God favoured Mary, she was also chosen to suffer.  Not just at the crucifixion, but her whole life.  She was chosen to carry a baby in her womb, be persecuted and give birth in a dirty stable.

Most of the time at Christmas we end the story there...in the stable with Mary, Joseph, and Jesus receiving their company.  Wise men, shepherds, and angels - you get the picture in your head, right? The star, the animals, the nativity!

What about the rest of is?  Mary, mothering the Son of God!  She was human, she had a baby, and she raised that baby with the heaviness that she was to see Him suffer and thus she too would suffer.  I think when Mary was hiding things in her heart, it was a lot more than the reality of who she carried in her womb.  I am certain that she was hiding away the memories of first smiles and steps, as well as the first tears and tumbles.

Knowing what was to come, did Mary have the opportunity to live differently as a mom to her little boy?  I believe she did.  I am sure she watching Him differently, taught Him differently, and prayed differently.  I can only imagine the discussions that she and Joseph would have when their son wasn't listening, how they probably begged God to let the cup pass from them, but in the end yielding up the prayer we all hesitate to pray when it comes to our children...Your will be done.

UGGHH!!!!  I don't want to.  I didn't want to on May 21st, and I still don't want to now.  Yet somehow we did, and somehow we will continue to.  I am reminded more than ever this Christmas that it doesn't end at the nativity in Bethlehem in a cozy manger...it is a journey all the way to the cross on the hill on Good Friday.

Christmas to the Chapmans this year represents suffering.  From here on it represents the ultimate suffering that came on Good Friday.

Isn't it amazing that it is called GOOD Friday?  Why is it good if it is full of suffering?  Because Easter came on Sunday and what Satan intended for evil, God intended for GOOD! Christmas ultimately ends at Easter and the reality that we will see Maria again!

If we are to live as Christ, then we will suffer like Christ.  I am thankful this Christmas more than ever for Easter.  When all the questions I have will be answered and all the tears I have will be wiped away.  Until then, Merry Christmas with the reality that Easter came and all of this suffering will someday be gone in a moment, and all things will become new and right and awesome!

Thanks for your prayers during this journey.  It isn't an easy one and your love and support is continually needed.  May you be richly blessed for gracing us with your love.  Longing to be washing dishes in heave with Maria,
~Mary Beth, for all the Chapman Family

As I read Mary Beth's words, aside from the many tears, I felt a peace wash over me.  The suffering for our family has been immense with loosing Ayden this fall and our first Christmas without him does make the season more difficult. However, knowing that other's have been through grief gave me some comfort knowing that we aren't alone and that as difficult as it is, we will journey through this. The peace I felt was in the reminder of the message of Christmas being the beginning of Jesus' life on earth and the promise of eternal life as Jesus' life ended on the cross that Good Friday and as He was raised into glory that Easter Sunday.  As Christians, knowing that we have this promise of being reunited gives comfort and we look forward to that day.  However, there is still the ache we feel, this side of heaven.  Not being able to hear Ayden's voice. - whether a witty remark or his beautiful voice as he sang, knowing all the words to whatever song he sang.  Not being able to hear his laugh.  Not being able to dance alongside him to Just Dance.  Not seeing him play with his cousins.  Not being splashed by him in the pool each summer.  Not being able to tell him one last time how much we love him and to just hold him in a hug.  We love you and miss you so much, Ayden.  Merry Christmas! Hope you are having a wonderful Christmas in heaven.  We lit a candle and said a prayer for you at church tonight.  We received a rose of hope - hope of seeing you again one day in heaven.

"Shattered dreams are never random.  They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story.  The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream.  They are ordained opportunities for the Spirit to awaken, then to satisfy our highest dream."  ~Larry Crabb