Peter and Heather Larson wrote this book while journeying the pre-teen/teen stage with two daughters and one son. Peter is a clinical psychologist and Heather a life coach who used to also teach grade five. Claudia and David Arp have adult sons so are past navigating the teen stage. They are the founders of PEP (Parent Encouragement Program) and have authored other books.
The authors stress the importance of conversation and how having conversations is important to building your relationship with your son. Throughout the book, they offer suggestions for questions to begin dialogue with your son on a number of different topics from the body talk to tech and faith to talking about girls and friends. It isn't the typical parenting book that gives you a formula to follow (do this and then this will happen) but gives conversation starters designed to help you guide your son through this new developmental stage of life.
Having conversation times with your son can be bonding and will convey the message that you are excited that he is growing up (even if you are terrified). As I reflected on some of the questions, I thought about what the right approach to initiating these conversations would look like with Jaret. Jaret is sensitive and likes having one-on-one time with each of his parents. He loves the ideas of dates - whether a walk along the river or stopping at a Starbucks to just hang together. Part of me is anxious and feels so unprepared to be a parent of a teenager while at the same time, I am excited about the thought of the next stage of life for him. And I realize that as excited as he is to grow up - he keeps talking about when he turns 14 and gets to start driving - there is a part of him that wishes he could be my little boy forever and never grow up. Is it too late to find Never Never Land?
Conversation 1: The Big-Picture Talk - Begin With the End in Mind
It may seem overwhelming but we can embrace the coming years as we find a balanced approach to guiding our sons into the teenage years and then into adulthood. As parents, we parent differently from one another and sometimes will parent differently even for each child in our home to better fit their personalities. How we parent is also based on our own experiences and the difficulties we perhaps faces as tweens/teens.
In each section, I will italicize the conversation starters to have with your son but also give an overview from the authors.
How are you feeling about these upcoming teen years? Be honest.
The analogy of mountain climbing was used to describe the experience of raising children. Your son's job is to pull on the rope as he moves up the mountain, continuing to explore and push the limits. As parents, we need to slowly and safely let our more rope as we encourage them further on the journey. Belaying is a technique which exerts friction on the rope attached to the climber so they don't fall. During these transition periods for our sons, there will be tension between parents and sons but it is our job to ensure this is a healthy tension and helps to grow our sons and help them achieve success.
What is your goal?
One goal is to raise independent and well-functioning adults and in order to do that, we need to build a positive relationship with our son during these years and help them goal set so they will be ready when it comes time to leave home and enter the world beyond the comforts of home.
I am so grateful for the evening tucks I still get with Jaret. This is a time where we are able to talk about the day - highlights and lowlights and spend time praying together. Heather Larsen makes note of asking your son, "What would you like me to pray for you?" I love this and have used it with Jaret. It opened up conversation when he shared a prayer request for someone else, which brought a smile to my lips at how thoughtful he is of others.
What should the majors and minors be?
This section was a good reminder for me. Keeping in mind that we are working with God to help grow our son's to be of strong character, helps me as a mom to put the majors in perspective over the minors. We can't major in everything and not everything needs to become a battle so we as parents need to know what our majors are and what minors we are willing to let go of. Asking two questions can help decide:
1. Is it a moral issue?
2. What difference will it make in light of eternity? Or even in ten years?
Heather used an example around the morning routine that I loved. And I have noticed myself, what a difference can be made when morning routines are clearly set out. Rather than nagging the kids about - did you do this and have you done that - she plays praise music and talks with her kids about her Bible reading. There are mornings when I have needed to give some of the reminders but the mornings operate different when done the latter way. Often I will even read aloud sections to the kids out of the Bible or from my morning devotions over breakfast, that is if Terry isn't in a conference call at the kitchen table.
How should our roles, as parent and child, adjust as you age?
We begin as caregivers and then move into teachers during the years of 2-12. That role changes to a coach in the teen years as we come alongside our teen to encourage, challenge and guide them. As we ask open-ended questions, we allow them to consider for themselves how to solve their own problems rather than stepping in to solve each issue. We become better listeners, rather than being quick to give advice. We then become consultants as our son's enter adulthood - but only when they choose to call on us.
I hope you can see already, just from the first chapter, how amazing this book is as it helps us journey these years with our sons. So, grab a cup of tea or coffee and continue reading along...
Conversation 2: The Friends Talk - The Family to Friends Shift
During this time of life, what friends' think becomes increasingly more important than what parents think and that amount of time they spend shifts more toward their friends.
What does it mean to be a ____ (Lockhart) man?
We shift from talking about the family values that were discussed earlier to specifically identifying attributes of a Lockhart man to see what values have been solidified and what areas may need more work.
Our son needs to hear certain messages from us:
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)
You are a masterpiece and a new creation in Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
You are able to do all things. (Philippians 4:13)
You are created for a purpose. (Ephesians 2:10)
You have been set apart. (Hebrews 10:10)
When our sons hear these messages, it helps them to be rooted in their identity that may get a little shaky with some of the negative messaging they may get from peers.
Some tips to help impart truth to our sons also include:
Give unconditional love.
Remember that this phase is temporary.
Concentrate on the relationship.
Be brave enough to say no. (This one is all about setting limits and boundaries.)
Give a lot of affirmation.
Make a positive list.
Have a sense of humour.
How would you want others to describe you?
Knowing your son's personality can help. We can encourage them in their strengths and help to build their weaknesses. Attitude is something you can choose each day and character is a choice that is reflected in our lives over time. While I was reading this book, Jaret asked me to share something I had been reading and so I shared an example that came from this section - that although not a morning guy, Heather didn't expect her son to "greet each family member with a cheerful smile, but he can still decide to be kind and gracious in his attitude toward others." Jaret laughed at this because just that morning before swimming lessons we had been talking about this exact sentiment.
Who will you hang around with to help you be the person you want to be? How do you choose a good friend?
Part of choosing a good friend is also being a good friend and helping Jaret know more about who he is, likes and dislikes, can help him pursue opportunities with new friends. Creating an environment where Jaret feels safe and loved and an atmosphere where he feels comfortable to have friends over is also important in these years.
Project Thirteen
This is a planned one-time challenge to be completed before your son turns 13 as a means to help him set goals and prepare for some independence of becoming a teen. The idea is to have a conversation to design the program together that includes goals in the area of Physical, Intellectual, Spiritual, and Practical Goals. The planning also includes rewarding them for a job well done but celebrating at the end. There isn't a lot of time before Jaret turns 13 but I think there is still time to approach this with him.
Conversation 3: The Body Talk - Teen Brains and Physical Changes
What's happening with these hormones and these emotions?
For those of you parents already in this pre-teen stage, you know that emotions can be all over the map. There have been moments where Jaret is fine and then the next moment just completely overwhelmed with his emotions and yet can't explain why. As parents, we need to step back and stop pushing in the moment to get an explanation of what is going on. They need space and trying to solve problems in the moment isn't so helpful. They are learning to regulate emotions and sometimes still need guidance in this. Motivation, evaluation, attachment and risk are also discussed in this chapter.
How do you feel about your body?
With the body undergoing so many changes during this time, it can be difficult to be confident but it is important to help our sons know that the body changing is part of God's design but that his value doesn't rest in how he looks or his size - whether he is a head taller than his classmates or the shortest. During these years, the challenge is modelling healthy choices from what we eat to the exercise and remembering it is about balance.
How do you feel about our family's eating habits?
Reading this part was a good reminder because of the mention of how in our culture we have a habit of always pairing quality time with treats and that can lead to issues that are difficult to change down the road. I know we do this often - a trip to Starbucks or a walk along the river that includes ice cream. And in moderation, that is fine but we should be cognizant of quality time not always including treats. Instead, helping our sons making healthy choices that will help them in the future when you aren't there to make the decision for him.
What's so important about clothes?
I have already noticed that Jaret is more aware of what he wears, asking me often, "Mom, does this match?" or asking me about how his hair looks. This is when they are starting to make their own choices in what they wear and who they might be trying to impress. It is also a time as parents that we need to ensure that they learn the importance of modesty and that yes, there are times/occasions it is important to wear something other than just jeans and a t-shirt.
Conversation 4: The Technology Talk - Rights, Responsibilities, Privileges (and Screens)
This is something we didn't really have to worry about way back when, with the exception of video games, I suppose. But technology is a huge part of our world. With technology, we as parents, need to remember that there is a difference between a right and a privilege and that with both come certain responsibilities. When the responsibilities are met - one may be rewarded with a new privilege but when they are not, then there need to be consequences that are consistently outlined and imposed.
When do I get a smartphone?
This is a question that I am sure we will be facing soon as more and more pre-teens are getting phones. I remember when I was younger, I begged my parents for a phone in my bedroom to talk to my friends. And never got one...but I still turned out okay. That was back in the days when phones were actually used to talk on, but today, very few teens talk on the phone - they are texting and on social media - and the trends of social media seem to change from one week to the next.
When your son gets a smartphone, there are some added responsibilities that come along with the privilege such as:
- use the device to keep parents informed of where he is and what the plans are
- take care of the phone, including keeping it charged when he is out
- turn off the phone during class or mealtimes
- phone in a central location by a certain time at night and during study times is even suggested
- communicate respectfully (just as he would with face-to-face communication)
- parents have knowledge of passwords and the right to look through text and social media posts to ensure safety and respectful communication
And consequences/rewards also come along with the privilege of having a smartphone:
- broken or damaged - replace or deal with natural consequence of cracked screen; take good care then privilege of it working well
- battery dies or phone on mute and doesn't answer a text/call from parents - loses the phone for a set number of days and on the other hand if the phone is charged and texts/calls returned the phone plan is still paid for by parents
- if responsibilities of use listed above are not upheld then the consequences are loss of the phone for a set period of time
How will social media be used in our home?
Setting up expectations to clarify the privilege and rewards/consequences is important for social media.
The Larsen's set out responsibilities such as:
- connecting with only people their son knows
- never meeting anyone in person that they meet on-line
- not sharing passwords with anyone
- using common sense when posting (discussing what this looks like and what it does not look like - the "Grandma Rule" - if you wouldn't share it with Grandma face to face then you shouldn't post to social media)
- asking permission when creating a new account or downloading an app and understand intentions and reason behind it and re-evaluating it in a few weeks to see if it is needed or not
Some consequences and rewards include:
- minor issues - a day or two off social media
- more serious issues - a week or more suspension from phone and social media account
- serious safety concern would mean complete loss of his social media account and even the smartphone
What movies can I watch? What songs can I download? Which games can I play?
Similar to the above, limits and boundaries are outlined that include what is appropriate and what is not with consequences well communicated.
Regarding anything in life, it is key to help prepare your son with the choices he is making and considering if they are safe and respectful because one day, sooner than we may be ready for, they will be making these choices without us giving them guidance. As parents we need to embrace the conversations with our sons that encourage them in the choices they will make when nobody is looking. This will help him to become a godly young man who makes wise choices, and when he makes mistakes along the way, we will be there to show grace - the grace we also get from our Father in Heaven.
Conversation 5: The Faith Talk - Internalizing Values
The goal of faith is for our sons to take on our faith as their own, to not just borrow it from us but to own it as part of their own journey.
Who do you believe God is?
Jaret, from a young age, has been learning who he is and that his identity is rooted in who he is in Christ. As he moves through the years, he is seeing how our faith is living that truth out. Faith truly defines who we are, our values, and the decisions we make in life. Children move through spiritual stages of faith, just as they do developmental stages. If when seeing where your son is at, he has a difficult time answering this question, then ask...
What do you picture when you think of God?
How does God respond to your prayers?
What role does God play in your daily life?
How does God make a difference in your world?
Remember that doubt and questions are a normal part of growth and teens need to feel safe to ask these questions so that they can fully comprehend and make the choice to make this faith their own. Asking questions is a normal part of faith development and helps them overcome their unbelief when they understand what they truly believe and why.
How will you continue to pursue your faith?
I remember in a sermon from Pastor Ian a couple of years ago, he was talking about parenting and how his desire for his children was for them to surpass them in their faith and the things they will accomplish in life. We ought to encourage our sons to think critically and form their opinions and experience things beyond what we ever experienced. Helping our sons to move from the dependence they have on us to dependence on God. We can not control our sons but we can certainly journey with them and try to influence them along the way.
What are our families expectations for church attendance and activities?
Remembering the promise you made at your son's dedication can help you perhaps decide the expectations you are going to set for the expectations you have in this area of church life. Life does get busy. It gets easy to decide to sleep in and not go to church. But going to church is important in helping grow us as believers. Allowing your son to invite a friend and perhaps sit on the balcony may help to encourage him. Attending a more contemporary service or encouraging your son to volunteer may help stretch them in their journey. And through all of this - prayer. Prayer for our sons as we allow them some freedom to find their own faith and make their own choices based on the modelling we have provided and the foundation we have built.
Conversation 6: The Academics Talk - Academic Pressure/Stress
Focusing on the whole person rather than just the academics helps to develop a well-rounded child that will grow into a successful adult. Jaret is bright and highly analytical but he also puts a lot of pressure on himself that we definitely don't need to add. He is internally motivated to achieve.
What is the goal of school?
Although we think about the importance of doing well so that our sons can get into university and get a good job, it goes beyond academic achievement and helps equip our sons to lead a fulfilling life. From the social and emotional development, citizenship and character development, workplace preparation, to the cognitive development - all of these are parts of what school provides.
What gets in the way of these goals?
Finding balance. Again we come back to balance between activities and academics and not allowing the pressure for our son to be too great.
What helps you to be most successful at school?
Equipping Jaret to do well means giving him tools. He is already highly organized and knows what assignments are due when. One thing we can support him in is when he is feeling overwhelmed, we can assist him in a plan so that he can achieve success and not get stressed or anxious, while at the same time, helping him take responsibility for his education. We often have to remind Jaret to relax and not put too much pressure on himself.
How do you feel about our family's expectations about grades?
Grades are a form of communication to teachers, students and parents about how the child is achieving or performing in one small segment of the curriculum for that grade level. They also communicate the effort and responsibility that is being put forward. Rather than focusing on a grade, a different approach could be to open up discussion about how your son felt on the test or how he might prepare differently. What was he proud of - celebrate the positive efforts by using specific encouragement. And where there are weaknesses, help focus extra time and energy in these areas.
Conversation 7: The Girls Talk - Girls, Girls, Girls!
What is the purpose of dating?
It begins slowly, or so I hope! Helping to identify our beliefs about the purpose of dating and communicating with Jaret will help us figure out when he is ready to enter the world of dating. And that will be when he is 30, right? All jokes aside, at this point, Jaret isn't too interested but we know that can change almost overnight. I want Jaret to understand that it is okay for him to be friends with a girl and that even when he starts dating, that treating girls with respect will go a long way to getting to know a girl and entering a relationship with her.
When can I start dating?
Some questions to consider in deciding if your teen son is ready for dating:
Do I find my identity in Christ?
Do I have a healthy relationship with friends, especially people of the opposite sex?
Do I know what I am looking for?
Do my parents trust me?
Will this relationship draw me closer to God?
When he is ready to start dating, having some clear expectations are important in dating, as are the consequences if expectations aren't met. Being open and having conversation about sex and sexual boundaries, although uncomfortable, are important to have.
Who is the dream girl?
The Larsen's encourage parents to make a dream list and have your son make one too and then talk about the different attributes that appear on each list and open up dialogue. Modelling a healthy relationship is important, knowing our sons are always watching us and it is forming an ideal in their mind as to what marriage looks like.
Should we meet your date? If so, when?
Meeting the girl your son wants to date shows your son that you care deeply for him and who he associates with. It also sends a message to the girl that you are involved and monitoring the relationship.
What is needed to stay pure?
The author's talk about guarding your eyes, guarding your heart, respecting yourself and your future wife, and creating accountability.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." ~Proverbs 4:23
Choosing who you share your heart with and setting boundaries in order to be prepared when the pressure of being physical presents itself. The author's word it well when they say, "Every time we share a part of our body with another, we can't take it back. After you hold someone's hand, you can't un-hold it...Song of Solomon says our bodies were meant to be shared with our beloved, not every cute girl along the way."
Conversation 8: The Money Talk - Understanding Dollars and Sense
What better way to teach your son about the value of money than by encouraging him to earn some. I was just talking to a girlfriend who shared that they give their son money each month that he is to use toward his own clothing (minus uniforms, underwear, and socks). He also earns some money each week mowing some lawns in the neighbourhood. The idea is to help them learn to manage money and make wise financial decisions. Better decisions are often made when it is their own money they are spending (not Mom and Dad's money) and when some goals are set to save for things that they want.
Where does your money come from now?
We haven't gotten to the stage yet where Jaret is constantly asking for money. I am sure we will get there but he is and always has been very conscientious when it comes to money. When shopping for clothes, he looks at prices and will often decide that I don't need to buy him a new shirt because he has enough clothes in his closet. From a young age, he began saving and likes seeing his money grow. He also has a stock account already. At his age, I didn't even know what a stock was. Aside from that, he also is interested in our mortgage and how mortgages work. So, I am not so concerned about his money management.
What things do you currently need money for?
Thinking about what your son really needs money for and then making decisions about the things you are willing to cover and what you expect your son to cover helps them become responsible in the area of finances.
When will you need to pay for expenses related to a car, smartphone, clothes, food, or entertainment?
Deciding when your son will have the privilege of a smartphone or car depends on the responsibility of your son. Some families cover all their teen's "extra" expenses while others pay for a portion and have their son cover more as they age and perhaps get a job.
What are the financial plans/expectations for after high school or college?
As parents, you need to decide on whether your son has a job in high school or even during the university years and what the level of financial support looks like for your son. But ensure that you are clear in communicating this ahead of time so expectations are clear; do you feel that has been a constant throughout the book? There is wisdom in that. Another aspect that jumped out at me was that loving, well-intentioned parents often overindulge without even recognizing it so be aware of that so that you don't enable your son.
If you were given five hundred dollars right now, what would you do with it?
The response your son gives would demonstrate whether they are spenders (see money as a source of enjoyment) or savers (source of security). Either approach can get out of hand so balance is important. Teaching the model of spend, save, give is also a good life lesson.
The Birthday Box Project
This is a bit of an addition to Project Thirteen but follows a similar premise. It is a five-year strategy to help prepare our sons for a successful adulthood as they receive new responsibilities and privileges each year.
The Arp's introduced the concept of "The Birthday Box" where the new teenager was presented with a small wooden box filled with cards and each card had a new responsibility or privilege for the coming year in the areas of:
- curfew
- smartphones and technology privileges
- academics
- household chores
- clothes
- money
- spiritual life
- other
As the teen achieves in the areas over the year, they receive more privileges and responsibilities the following year so that they can function as an adult by the time they leave home. The book includes a chart that can also be included in the box that tracks goals in each area over the years and some examples. As with everything, it is important to monitor and evaluate how things are going with your teen and adjust the goals as necessary. It is also good to include your teen in the discussion of these goals as he co-creates his Birthday Box progression. Keep in mind the following questions:
Am I releasing to much or not enough freedom to my son?
Am I giving him too much or not enough responsibility?
And in the end, celebrate! Celebrate his progress and how responsible he is getting as he gets closer to adulthood. I have already seen how quickly the years pass and plan to continue being grateful for these moments with my son as I learn more and more about the parenting journey.
I highly recommend this book and would love to hear your thoughts on it when you read it and as you start having conversations with your son. A community of moms (and dads) who can support each other through these years and learn from one another.
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