Steve Chapman is candid in this book about areas that he shot "bogeys" and others that were "birdies." He opens the book by admitting that he was not a perfect father - none of us are perfect parents but we have a Father in Heaven who is perfect and who walks the journey of parenting with us.
You Will Always Be Mine
I love how Chapman opens this first chapter. He borrows words from God, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." Chapman compares this phrase to how we are created in the image of our Father, just like our children are so much like their parents. He also describes the sinful nature we are born into and yet so incredibly loved despite our flaws.
"I claim him as my son in spite of the fact that, just like his dad, he was born a sinner...My affection for him is not based on his performance or the lack of it."
And so begins the journey of parenthood...as soon as our children are born (and even before), they are loved so unconditionally and nothing they can ever do will change our heart on that matter. It is important to speak this message of love to our sons throughout the years with words and actions to remind our sons of the love and acceptance they have. Using our words to encourage our sons, "You're mine, I love you, and I'm proud of you!" I try to speak words like this to Jaret each day and show it in my actions.
Proof of My Love
Discipline is proof of love to teach our sons that wrong choices come with consequences, preparing their hearts for God's Word to root and grow by clearing it of the incorruptible seed. Chapman reiterates a story where he had to discipline his son, in the end his son responded with, "Oh, Dad! That wasn't punishment; that was a lesson." If only it was always that easy. But keeping in mind that we love the sinner but hate the sin, helps to guide us to be gracious when we are discipling. Perhaps one of the most difficult parts of parenting and being consistent in discipline.
Good Work
"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." ~Ephesians 2:10
Glorifying God is the main goal. Finding a vocation whereby our son uses his giftings, brings him joy, and testifies of the salvation he has in Christ Jesus. However, that requires that our son accept the gift of the completed work of the crucified and risen Christ.
Jaret has accepted Christ into his heart and is praying about baptism as the next step. As parents, we continue to pray for our children to make our faith in Christ their own and to rely on Him fully as they deepen their relationship in Him.
Choosing the Right Hero
From Marvel to professional athletes, there are many "heroes" vying for attention but there is only one hero - a Saviour born in Bethlehem - that will never let our sons down and who endures forever. The apostle Paul reminds us in 1 Corinthians 11:1, "Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ."
First Comes Love...
Teaching our sons about the beautiful gift from God that happens between a man and a woman that leads to marriage and the timeline that God has planned, found in the Bible.
Then Comes Marriage...
Chapman uses an acronym:
M - Maximize Her Needs; Minimize Her Faults
A - Admit Your Need for Her
R - Rule over Your Tongue
R - Resist the Tendency to Control Her
I - Invest in Her Natural Gifts and Talents
A - Admit Your Mistakes
G - Go Often to the Lord in Prayer with Her
E - Engage the Gears of Sex in the Right Order
Then Comes Son with a Baby Carriage
Building the foundation of leading your child to Christ allows him to then build when the time comes for his own family. Taking care of the physical needs of another human being is one thing, but being responsible to help build the foundation for his soul and spirit to be ready for God and His love can seem overwhelming. But trusting God, that he will give you the tools to do so; Chapman speaks of this through spiritual eyes, feet, hands, lips, arms, time, ears, tears, knees (to fall on in prayer), and a smile.
"And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment." ~Philippians 1:9
The Guard
Guarding the name of God is an important lesson to help our sons embrace. And also guarding their own name and identity in Christ. Remembering whose child they are. One thing I always say to both Jaret and Kirra as a way of saying good-bye is, "Be God's." This is a reminder of whose they are and to bring glory to Him in their words and actions.
Bogeys and Birdies
Chapman compares his parenting to a game of golf. There were times when he felt humbled by his buddies who were willing to overlook his game, the "that'll play" type shots and his son who was willing to forgive when he completely missed the fairway. The is our life with Christ, the kindness of God that leads us to repentance. It is so amazing how forgiving our children are, especially when we admit our wrongs and ask forgiveness.
Some of the bogeys he mentions are:
- being more diligent with Scripture memorization
- meditating on the Word
- by being financially generous, may have given him the wrong impression of what the real world will be like (even though Chapman would remind his son, "This is not the real world!" as he handed over cash - partly because his son had such an attitude of gratitude)
- household and vehicle maintenance (easier to fix it than step by step have to teach his son)
- communication
The birdies include:
- instilling the fear of God so that his son had a deep respect and level of reverence for Christ
- creation in the image of God - fearfully and wonderfully made
- respect for elders
- tithing
- balance in life and having priorities (having no more than three priorities in life so that you can completely focus on them: walk with Christ, husband/father, vocation)
Little Sayings with a Lot of Truth
The last chapter wraps up with quotes from family and friends and some reflection that Chapman shares and often a Bible verse to pair with it.
Okay, how many of you who don't have sons, skipped down to this part? I don't blame you. Annie Chapman uses lots of stories and examples from her experience as a mother which really helped me to relate better to her as an author.
Choices Not Circumstances
"Life is not a matter of circumstances, but issues of choice. I want my daughter to build her life on the rock-solid foundation of Christ. I want to share with her the basics of discernment and the best ways to make life choices."
Some important hopes from Chapman come out of this chapter. First and foremost, ensuring her daughter understood the blessed gift God provided through the finished work of Jesus Christ on the Cross. And choosing happiness because joy and contentment are an attitude that is chosen. Often circumstances can make us feel helpless but we can choose how we react to life's circumstances. We can do this through the following four things:
- Be Aware
- Be Thankful - "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." ~1 Thessalonians 5:18
- Be Selective
- Be Positive - "Whatever is true, waterer is honourable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." ~Philippians 4:8
Lastly, Chapman desires for her daughter to choose health.
Being Pretty Inside and Outside
"I want my daughter to know she needs to be the best representation for her Creator in her appearance and demeanour."
Chapman talks about the impact media has on how girls today see beauty and how giving our daughters knowledge behind those "perfect" pictures can teach them how unattainable that perfection is and furthermore we are reminded about the importance of inner beauty over outward appearance.
Some ideas that come to help instruct our daughters in this areas:
- The heart is where true beauty blooms and brings forth fragrance
- Being content with our appearance brings about our inner beauty that time and age cannot take away
- Psalm 139 - fearfully and wonderfully made
- Take care of your body - it is a temple of the Holy Spirit
- Bring glory to God as that will enhance your true beauty
What we believe shapes how we feel about ourselves, sometimes more than the truth does. We must saturate our minds with the Word of God so that we can build confidence and overcome our insecurities because we discover our worth in God's eyes. As Chapman prayed this prayer for her own daughter, it is one that I pray for Kirra regularly. That she will continue to see herself as fearfully and wonderfully made and that she knows the truth of God's love and acceptance.
Pure in Heart and Body
"I want my daughter to know that God created her to walk in a responsible, morally pure manner. I want her to understand that her body is the temple of the Holy Spirit."
With so many messages contrary to what the Bible teaches, I want Kirra to know the importance of purity of heart and body. As we as mothers accept God's love and grace, we can teach our daughters the same. Chapman addresses helping a daughter get out of a bad situation and how as mothers, we need to keep communication with our daughters open and equip our daughters to deal with dating pressures.
Marvels of Marriage
"I want my daughter to know that being a wife to a godly man is the highest honour and calling she could experience. As a helpmate, she is part of a God-ordained team."
Another acronym is presented here, similar to the one that Annie's husband Steve presented in his book for sons:
M - Model the Life of Christ Before Your Husband
A - Adorn Yourself
R - Rule over Your Tongue
R - Respect and Admiration are Essential
I - Include Him in Your Prayers (his thoughts, will, emotions; endeavours; love for the Lord and others; physical health)
A - Accept Your Differences
G - Grant Him Headship
E - Engage Physically with Joy, Enthusiasm, and Frequency
True Motherhood
"I want my daughter to know that there is no job, career, office, position, or opportunity that remotely compares to the importance of being a mother."
This is truly such a blessing to be called a mom. I pray that one day Kirra will be blessed to be a mother as I already see a nurturing spirit in her. There are times when I feel so ill-prepared to be a mom. But then, I am encouraged by my sweet girl who asks, "Why are you reading a book on how to be a better mom when you are already the best mom I could even ask for?" She completely melts my heart. But, it isn't all rainbows and unicorns, there are moments when she portrays that stubborn side and I need God's grace to walk through these moments with her.
Some key areas discussed in this chapter:
- love them enough to discipline
- sit together in church
- give your children tools, not just toys
- listen to their words, read their expressions, hear their hearts
- create healthy relationships with extended family
- allow children to be part of the family work and economy
- enjoy the things your children find interesting
- take advantage of the outdoors
- eat dinner together
- let them know you pray for them (and I would add, pray with them each and every day)
Chicken 101
"I want my daughter to know God holds in high regard the work she does as a homemaker. He sees each act of service, whether great or small, as an essential part of creating an atmosphere of love and protection in the home."
This chapter spoke to my love for organization and cleanliness as Chapman talks about the importance of maintaining a clean an orderly home as mandated in Titus 2. Often the mundane tasks of caring for a home can be just that, mundane. But it is possible to find joy in even the mundane when we do it to bring him glory.
"Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father...Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men." ~Colossians 3:17, 23
Some tips to keep clean and organized include:
- use the same cleaning product for as many jobs as possible and carry products in a plastic carrier with you from room to room
- work clockwise around a room from top to bottom
- dust then vacuum
- space furniture to make vacuuming easier
- change cleaning clothes often
- if you only have one room to clean before company comes, clean the bathroom
- declutter
- do the job you dislike the most first to get it done and out of the way
Money Really Matters
"I want my daughter to know how to handle money. She needs to equip herself with biblically sound financial knowledge, cultivate a simple, childlike trust in God as her provider, and fight the human tendency toward greed."
Helping our daughters with the following financial aspects:
- to live within the income they make
- being cautious regarding debt
- spend less and sacrifice in order to work toward living debt-free
- spiritual obligation of giving
Mercy for the Mean
"I want my daughter to know how to deal with difficult people."
There will always be people in life that are more difficult to deal with than others and it is important to learn coping skills required to be successful in dealing with these difficult circumstances. Some of the following are coping mechanisms:
- Consider the true source of the conflict
- Keep a positive attitude
- Response to their attack is our responsibility
- You may be the only Bible they will ever read
- If your difficulty is in a work situation, deal with it professionally by going to the person to discuss the issues
- Avoid people who refuse to be peaceable
- Avoid arguing
- Don't blame yourself for how others act (you are responsible for your own actions)
- Always choose humility (and might I add - grace)
Courageously Facing Fear
"I want my daughter to know courage is not optional. If she conquers the temptation to give in to fear and worry, she can deal effectively with all other renegade emotions."
Helping our daughters to learn from women of courage in the Bible and to search out women who are excellent role models in today's society can help them learn what it means to live a life of courage.
A Shining Finish
"I want my daughter to know that living her life devoted to Christ with a faithful heart is the greatest legacy she can leave to those who come after her."
Life is a marathon and needs to be taken one step at a time. In order to finish, there are things to guard against:
- Don't let the past defeat you - the rearview mirror was not designed to be used for forward movement but to offer a reference point as you continue forward on life's journey ("I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 3:13, 14)
- Don't let others define you - guard against letting others define who she is and what she is to do with her life - choose her path based on the giftings she has been given and use them to serve and glorify God
- Don't let the devil deceive you - pray that God's Word will saturate Kirra's heart so that she can guard against all things that threaten to pull her away from her relationship with Christ and the plan that God has for her and that she will seek Him in all things
I pray that if you are still with me at the end of this, that you will have some insight into some ways that you want to prepare for your son or daughter's life. Perhaps you are well underway with many of these suggestions or perhaps you are just beginning and you see some things you want to adopt. I know that as I read through, I reflected on some changes I want to make. I know I have already had some bogeys but as I have been reminded by my children, I have also had some birdies - likely because of the work of the Holy Spirit in and through me. Thanks be to God!
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