Life is relational and because it is, there have been times we have all experienced hurt. Relational breakdowns extract energy from us. They take up head space and heart space. It takes time to heal relational rifts and often people may feel it isn't worth the time. But, on the other hand, it isn't worth not taking the time. Healing relational rifts will bring greater peace and contentment in life in the long run.
On the cross, Jesus offered words of reconciliation to those who had unjustly convicted Him. These Roman soldiers were responsible for His death. They did not ask for forgiveness but just before Jesus died on the cross, he forgave and is an ultimate example to all of us. "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." ~Luke 23:34 Jesus forgave and His life was the ultimate sacrifice that covers over all our sins. "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." ~Romans 5:8 In His final moments, with His last breath, Jesus forgave those who tortured and killed Him. You can tell a lot about someone's heart by how that person prays when they are hurt and have been wronged. And indeed, we see that with Jesus with the last words He spoke on the cross.
Hybels outlines three categories of offences and offers suggestions on how to respond to those who have wronged us in different ways.
Category 1: Minor Offences
This category are wrongs that are simply a slight. The offended party has lost touch of reality and is unable to see the other person's perspective. This is the 'victim' or 'poor me' mode. It is important to offer people in this category a friendly reality check.
At the beginning of the school year, we had a speaker by the name of Leroy Sloan come and speak to our staff. He used the example of a mirror and the importance of regularly holding up a mirror to see how others view us and that in kindness, we should have others hold that mirror up to us to hold us accountable for our actions and how we are living out our life. We may not like what we see when we see our reflection but we have to be mindful that this is there perception we are portraying to others. If we don't like what we see, then we need to make some positive changes so that perception and reality line up as we want them to.
When Hybel's encounters people in this category, he responses with a little sarcasm, "Really?! You felt wronged by that? Really?!" These words allow a reality check and helps to keep things in perspective. When reading this I immediately began thinking of the book, "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" by Richard Carlson that I read years ago. And then wouldn't you know, Hybels mentions it later on in this chapter. We have a tendency in today's society to feel slighted over the smallest of things but need to remember, "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff and it's all small stuff." Let it go! I know you can hear the song in your head right now so there is no need for me to start singing, is there?
As Christ followers living under God's unconditional love, our heart should be filled with that love and with the fruit of the spirit. We should therefore be resilient not to be angered or provoked over minor irritations that come our way.
At a recent chapel, Pastor Dwight Huffman (Principal Judy Huffman's husband), spoke to our elementary students using a sponge. He explained that each night we, "Soak it up." This was in reference to God's love and His goodness. Throughout the day, we then have opportunity to, "Squeeze it out," on those we come into contact with, even people that perhaps don't deserve it. When your heart is filled by God's love and kindness, that love and kindness should overflow into the lives of others. This will help you to navigate the minor slights you experience throughout the day. We need to prioritize the needs of others above ourselves. If you have enough of God's grace filling your heart, you can see the situation in its proper perspective. You will then be able to see Category 1 offences as speed bumps or first world problems and you will be able to move past it without it affecting you.
Some days our heart may not be in the right condition and we react inappropriately to minor offences and become easily angered. Sometimes the source of our irritation can be understood but our reaction is not. When we truly reflect, we will see that our response was not how we want to be as it will lead others to be deflated by our actions. We have all been there. We have all been easily frustrated and acted inappropriately. There are times we all need to be held accountable - in love. Accountable so we can make things right. Hybels cites a prayer that is similar to one Jesus prayed for times like this:
"Father, forgive me, for I know not what I do. I've lost the narrative of Your grace and Your love. My perspective is out of whack. Help me to remember that I'm a treasured child of the Most High God. Help me live that way when I experience Category 1 offences."
When you keep your bucket filled, little injustices of life won't rob you of emotional time and energy. It is important to keep our bucket filled by connecting to God, time with family and friends, satisfying and balanced work, recreation/hobbies, and exercise.
Category 2: Legitimate Wounds
These wounds are more complex and require resolution and healing. Our response here needs to be, "I am so sorry. That should never have happened to you." This is where we insert comfort and prayer to help people through these hurts. Usually, people in this situation then feel that because they have been wronged, that the wrongdoer deserves punishment. But the mindset of a consequence doesn't give satisfaction that one may think. Seeking injustice never leads to relational peace. We must simply come to terms with the wrong and forgive.
Forgiveness isn't easy. We need to fully acknowledge the wrong done to us, grieve over what has been lost and eventually let go and let God. This is not for their sake but for our own sake as we find peace in Christ. Desiring justice only makes us slaves, it doesn't bring peace and healing desired. It is here that we need to reflect on WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?). Not just what would He do but what did He do on the cross. He gave it up, right there on the cross. He did not seek revenge, despite the wrong dealt to Him. He forgave.
Matthew 18:15 states, "If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over." We are commanded to Go. You must go and take the first step to initiate reconciliation with another.
We are told to Go Alone. We don't need to discuss it with others but need to go in private.
Go to reconcile the relationship - we need to go in the spirt of reconciliation, not in accusation. If this doesn't work then Jesus offers a follow-up of taking a trusted, mutual friend and trying again.
Go now - go as soon as possible to make things right.
Let it go - I know, you hear the song again. Disney was on to something but not sure the song is in line with scripture.
Perhaps you have followed the above five steps to achieve reconciliation but forgiveness hasn't been extended on the other end. Now what?
Romans 12:18 instructs us to live at peace with everyone. We can't control other's responses but if you have followed the five steps then you have done your best and are clean before God. You need to move on and let the past be in the past. There may still be hurts to work through but you can't let those hurts define you or the relationship you have with that person. Perhaps you need to set up boundaries regarding the relationship you have with that person.
Category 3: Life-Shattering Injustices
Hopefully you don't experience these in your life but if you do, there is still hope. Hybels shared stories of two different parents whose hearts were broken through loosing children killed in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. It broke my heart hearing these stories and yet I know there are so many like them. Rather than seeking revenge, both of these families are now part of a group that work together toward peace and relational reconciliation. Wow! If that doesn't speak of what forgiveness is all about. Nothing can bring back the precious children these parents lost and the ache that they carry in their hearts daily. But by working toward reconciliation the seeds of bitterness are minimized.
God's grace makes genuine forgiveness possible. Adam Hamilton is a pastor who wrote a book entitled, "Forgiveness: Finding Peace Through Letting Go." He describes two dimensions of forgiveness on his blog:
There is your internal release of bitterness, anger, or desire for revenge, and there is the extension of mercy toward the one who has wronged you.
Regarding your release of anger, bitterness, and desire for revenge, you must forgive. The more serious the wound, the longer the process may take. But failure to forgive in this sense gives power to the one who wronged you. It is you, not they, who are hurt by your unwillingness to forgive.
But in the second dimension of forgiveness - extending mercy to those who have wronged us - we may actually harm wrongdoers if we extend mercy too quickly. Wrestling with the hurt they have caused is a part of their redemptive process, and for Christians, redemption should always be the goal.
Action Steps:
Category 1
Do some exploring and reflect and try to understand what is causing your over reaction to minor offences and ask God to help you grow.
Fill up your heart and be purposeful about filling your heart with God's love, spend time in the word so that you can live a life defined by His love and grace.
Ask for God's help and then learn to ask yourself, "Is it worth getting upset over? Can I let it go?"
Category 2
Examine the five principles and act on them:
Go.
Go alone.
Go to restore the relationship.
Go now.
Let it go.
If the person has a change of heart, be open to it. If not, let it go and learn to move beyond it.
Category 3
Forgiveness in this stage is complex and takes time. There are Mile Markers that may help you take steps on your journey toward forgiveness.
Mile Marker 1: Name what happened
Spend time to relive the details, not to rehash painful events or to live in the past, but to appreciate the depth of what happened. Perhaps writing out the details of how you were hurt or sharing your story with someone who can help you along the difficult trauma you experienced, will bring comfort and a sense of peace.
Mile Marker 2: Identify what you lost
Often people who experience a significant wrong doing remain caught in a rut in their grief journey; one marked by anger and bitterness. At some point you need to move beyond being wronged to what you lost. Move beyond anger to sadness, where you let yourself feel the sadness caused by your loss.
Mile Marker 3: Be open to forgiveness
After sufficient grieving, you may begin to move toward forgiveness. Moving in this direction does not in any way minimize your grief or make you miss the person any less but it does bring some sense of peace to your life as you learn to live.
It was an excellent chapter and I really learned a lot in reading it. If you have enjoyed this post, maybe it is worth purchasing the book to read further. I am going to end with a song from Matthew West...Forgiveness...
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