Six Months...

Six months have come and gone.  Half a year.  It seems like just yesterday in so many ways and in other ways it seems like a lifetime ago.  Today is the day that we mark six months without Ayden.  The grief is not as intense as it was in the first days of his loss but it is still there.  It is still there and will be always be there, although the grief that we feel will take on different faces.  With days that pass without Ayden here, we wonder how normal will ever be normal again and we wonder how one feels peace after such a loss.
A devotion I read this morning was so fitting and I am grateful how God knows my heart, knows my pain, knows my needs.  The devotion was written by Gwen Smith entitled, "I'm Right Here."  What I took from this devotion was the message of peace - peace being there, even when you may not feel that it is.  There are times in our life when our heavy hearts cry out and the cry is so loud that we can't hear the voice of God whispering to us.  We can't hear him reassuring us.  We can't always hear the message of peace.  Times when we feel God is unsearchable; that His presence is far from us in our time of need.  When we ache with the pain that is so deep and we wonder how we will ever feel God's presence draw near or feel the sense of His peace again.  But there is one thing that I know to be true, it is that God is right here.  And that He is a God who knows our heart - from the desires of our heart to the heart break of this life.  Smith reminds us to listen for his whisper.  The whisper from His Word and from His Heart.

“I will never leave you or forsake you. I know your name and have engraved it on the palm of my hand. I hold your tears in a bottle and ache with you. My grace is sufficient and I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. I’m right here.” 
~Deuteronomy 31:6, Psalm 139, Psalm 56:8,

2 Corinthians 12:9, John 16:33

I take heart in the promise that He is always right here. He is right there when we need Him and will carry us through the difficult journey we are on.  He draws close to the broken hearted.  

Not a tear falls from our eyes that isn't known to Him. (Psalm 56:8)  He not only knows those tears but He wipes away every tear from our eyes. (Revelation 21:4)

While reading an article, "5 Rights of the Bereaved Parent," I felt hope.  The article is a reminder that everyone grieves in their own way and that grief is a complex process.

1) You have the right to your feelings - permission that there will be good and bad days.  Moments of laughter.  Moments of tears.  Although others have experienced loss of a child, no one has experienced this loss of this child.

2) You have the right to grieve however you choose - as long as that grief isn't hurting you physically or emotionally, how we grieve may look different than how others grieve and that is okay.  Grief is unique.

3) You have the right to grieve for however long you need - there is no time limit on grieve and it is something you will carry with you for the rest of your days.  That grief may look different over the years but it is still there. 

4) You have the right to find peace when ready - at first grief hurts intensely but eventually, peace will come.  Peace and pain can exist together and peace won't ever be the same peace you felt before the loss but you have the sense to embrace this peace when it finally comes your way.

5) You have the right to remember and speak their name - this is freeing for me.  With having young children who understand grief on a different level, they are so innocent and speak so freely.  Jaret and Kirra talk about Ayden so much and continue to include him in our prayers.  I am so grateful for that because at times when I speak Ayden's name, I find it so difficult and often need to let myself be vulnerable to the emotions of grief that overcome me.

Grief changes who we are.  Grief helps us to empathize with others who have also lost.  Grief is not something you get over.  You learn to cope each day without your loved one near.  My heart aches but my heart aches more for my sister and how intense her grief is.  We heal.  We rebuild.  We become whole again, but never the same...

I love those last words, "Nor should you be the same, nor should you want to."

Ayden is near.  Each and every day, the memories and thoughts that come to mind as we carry those moments with us.  As we carry Ayden and the love we had and have for him in our hearts.  He is always with us.  Always.