One Foot in Front of the Other

Last week was full of emotions as I spent the week with my family in Regina, Celebrating Ayden's Life.  At times I am still in shock over everything that occurred and at other times I allow the emotions to surface.  Grief is a complex journey and I know the journey can be a long and difficult one.  Both Kirra and Jaret continue to pray each day for Ayden and for Auntie Lisa, Uncle Trevor, and Justine.  The other night, Jaret was scared to go to sleep as he asked if he could get epilepsy and die from a seizure.  Hard moments and sometimes difficult to have the right words to help our children comprehend when they are so young.

It wasn't easy leaving Regina on Sunday.  A huge part of me didn't want to have to leave my sister, Justine, and parents behind.  Ironic that we are now so far away rather than just a couple of hours.  And yet, I knew that I needed to be back home with Terry and the kids.  I feel like I am just floating through the days as I put one foot in front of the other.  And tasks that never overwhelmed me often do overwhelm at the moment.  My heart still hurts as the grief is so new and I feel each day that something is missing - and someone is missing.  And yet, each day, I hold my head up and continue to rely on God's strength and grace to get through.

"The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!' 
The LORD is wonderfully good to those who wait for him and seek him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the LORD.
For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love."
Lamentations 3:22-26; 31-32 (NLT)

I can tell that the emotions are very fresh with the kids too.  Out of the blue, Kirra just had the saddest face the other evening and got teary saying how much she misses Ayden.  When Jaret was talking to my mom on the phone about plans to visit over Thanksgiving with Auntie Lisa and Justin, Jaret said that he was glad they could come to Calgary but that it wouldn't be the same or as fun without Ayden.  I am grateful that my kids are able to express their feelings and that we are able to grieve and pray together to help us through.  I really don't know how we would get through without our faith.

I was reading about the stages of grief: denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  Along with this was an article entitled, "Feeling Grief Means Being Alive," found on psychcentral.com.  Seven tips for dealing with grief are given, I have copied them below.

• If you are mourning for a recent loss make sure to make time for feeling the emotions that arise, whether they are anger, sadness, or pain. There is no need to judge these emotions as good or bad and know that it is Ok to feel these and they will not last forever as all things come and go. You may even create a little ritual where you spend time with the picture or object connected to the person who has passed.
• Friends sometimes get uncomfortable around grief and if they try and make you feel better in the moment, thank them for this, and let them know it is normal and natural to feel how you feel.
• Make sure to also take care of yourself during this time, go out on a walk, make sure to eat healthy.
• Try and open your eyes to the delights around you. It could be a smile on a child’s face or your own. Smelling a wonderful flower or maybe tasting your own favorite food. Even in the midst of grief we can be open to the wonders of life.
• Know your limits and allow yourself to take a break from feeling when it’s becoming overwhelming, but make sure to let your grief know that you will come back. Make a time to revisit it otherwise it will occupy you all day.
• Being altruistic can be a great way to move through grief. Maybe you would like to volunteer at a homeless shelter or make some things for those you care about.
• Support has been known to be very helpful and so joining a grief or support group either online or in person can be enormously supportive.

The psychologist of this article was clear that everyone's grief is a unique experience and that although similar in some ways, it is important to be non-judgmental with yourself and with others as the deal with their grief.  Elisha Goldstein also emphasizes the importance of treating yourself with love and kindness during this time as grief will sometimes be more acute and other times more subtle.  One point made that I have pondered over is that grief may never leave "but evolves and weaves into your life."  Grief is a natural process and the timeline in it is unknown.  Grieving a loss helps us remember the connection we had with a loved one and reminds us of the love we have in our hearts. 

A prayer to comfort in loss:

Dear Lord,
Please help me and my family during this time of loss and grief that seems overwhelming. It is difficult to understand why life is filled with such pain and heartache. But I turn my eyes to you as I seek to find the strength to trust in your faithfulness. I will wait on you and be patient in my affliction; I will quietly wait for your saving grace. Although our hearts are crushed, we know that you will not abandon us forever. Please show your compassion, Lord. Help each of us through the pain and help us to continue to put our hope in you. I believe the promise that your mercies are new each morning. Though there are times in the day when we can't see past this, we trust your great love and hold to the promise that your love will never fail me.
Amen.

Since being back home, the weather has been wonderful and we have tried to get outside to soak in the last bit of warm weather and sunshine before winter hits.  Although, winter already hit Calgary - last week when Kirra and I were in Regina.  We were quite happy to have missed that.  Being back also means getting to the routine of school.  Still working on that as I sent Kirra without her vest to school on chapel day and felt completely absent minded over also forgetting to send her mail envelope.  New changes also have me tutoring a couple of students each week, starting some contract work as an Educational Coordinator for a private agency (Big Plans for Little Kids), and subbing a couple of days this week.  With being home again, it feels like we have jumped right into busy lives.  Jaret started basketball with tryouts and is enjoying it.  We find out his team and regular practices this week.  Kirra starts dance on Saturday morning and is excited about being in ballet again.  Work for Terry has also kept him quite busy.  Although, there are times in the evening when he is in the basement that I don't know if he is working or checking out all the sports scores. 

Open eyes to the delights around me - it's the everyday little things that bring me happiness:

Enjoying some Oreo's and milk as part of their after school snack.

Treasure the moments with loved ones.  Hug your little ones extra tight.  Let those around you know how much you appreciate them and what they mean to you.