One year ago today. I remember the call. My mom on the other end of the phone. Sobbing. Uncontrollable sobbing, to the point I could hardly make out her words. Words wailed, telling me that Ayden died in his sleep.
The denial set in immediately as I couldn't believe the words to be true.
No! Not Ayden!
I remember packing. Hardly able to think and then driving to Regina to be with my family. I remember embracing my sister late that night when I arrived. The tears. The disbelief.
Hope and dreams for Ayden that were gone in an instant. A twelve year old boy who had so much promise for a future - a future that on earth was cut short.
And that is where, after passing through the past year, I can find some sense of peace. Although Ayden's days on earth were numbered, God was and is holding him in his hands. And even after the darkest nights, the sun does rise and there is promise.
Grief can cut so deep. The grief in the beginning is numbing. You go through the actions of funeral planning. You go through the motions as you have people around you sharing condolences. And after the first days pass, everyone goes back to their routines. And the days pass by. Days in which you face such heaviness. Such sadness. And guilt when you feel joy.
Days turn into months. You face holidays without a loved one. Seasons pass and you face them missing your loved one. Sometimes it is the smallest things that cause your strength to crumble and you weep. I remember shopping for a birthday gift for a party that Jaret had been invited to. As I stood in the card section of the store, I saw a birthday card for, "Nephew" and I broke down in tears. All I could think of was how I will not buy another birthday card for Ayden. He won't celebrate another birthday. And I began to think of all the things that wouldn't be...
I couldn't pull myself together, despite knowing the promises of God. Despite knowing that God is faithful, I just needed to let the tears flow. I know without a doubt that I will one day see Ayden again. That I will be able to hear his laugh. That I will see his smile. That I will hear him sing and watch him dance. But in that moment, I just couldn't help the tears.
This summer was difficult. It was so hard to be in Regina visiting family and not be splashing around in the pool with Ayden. The kids really missed this too and our time there wasn't the same. Kirra had learned to ride a two-wheeler right before our visit. I took the bikes with us for the kids to ride around Grandma and Grandpa's neighbourhood. And as I was watching them ride bikes, I could almost hear Ayden's reaction, "Great job, Kirra. I can't believe you are doing it." Ayden was always so encouraging and I know how proud of Kirra he would have been.
It is in the small moments like this that still catch me off guard. Times when tears come - and when I allow them to come. It takes time. It takes remembering moments shared with Ayden. It takes appreciating the time I have with my children. It takes making the most of the moments I have with my children - moments that need to be remembered and cherished. It takes prayer to get me through the times when I am weak and need to rely on God's strength. It takes sharing memories of Ayden with my children and remembering him with hearts full of love. It takes looking up to heaven and knowing that Ayden is there, at peace, smiling down on us.
"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
~Isaiah 43:2
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
~Isaiah 43:2
I came across a quote that really spoke to me. "You can't choose who you lose. But you can change how you live after they're gone. A loss changes you forever. The choice is, does it change you for better or worse?" Grief is difficult. Grief never ends. Grief is not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith. Grief is a journey. Grief is the price we pay for the love we had for the one we lost. I saw a quote from Winnie the Pooh that said, "You may be gone from my sight...But you are never gone from my heart."
As this day approached, my heart felt heavy. I wondered what I could do to commemorate this day. A day when it would be easier to just pull the covers up over my head and pretend that it didn't really happen. But, pretending it didn't happen won't make it so. And for the sake of my children, I knew that I wanted to do something to remember Ayden. To remember him and to keep his spirit alive for me and for my children. I read some articles on-line about how to remember the day and your loved one but in the end, I knew that we just needed to spend time together, doing things that Ayden would have loved to do.
When we got up, it was cold and overcast, with a skiff of snow on the ground. Yes, snow on September 6. I didn't sleep well and in fact was up in the night, right around the time Ayden would have passed away a year ago. As I looked at the clock, I realized the significance and then the tears flowed until I found sleep. But despite the lack of sleep overnight, morning came, just as it does every morning. The kids were up a little earlier than we were so they spent some time on the ipads (something Ayden loved to do - gaming, gaming, and more gaming). We then had a yummy breakfast of waffles; Ayden would have loved all the whipped cream the kids put on their waffles. Jaret actually put on so much whipped cream that he couldn't finish it all. Which is quite shocking in and of itself. After breakfast, we got ready to head to Village Square Leisure Centre. The kids chose it because it has a wave pool, rope swing, diving boards, and water slides. They knew it was a place that Ayden would have loved to spend the afternoon with us as he was such a fish. After swimming it was home to watch the Rider game while the kids watched a movie with snacks. And that has been the day so far, with plans for spaghetti for supper and a games night with friends.
Although it was a difficult day, we made it through. Just like we make it through each day of missing Ayden. It is by God's strength that we face each day. And each morning is a new day - a gift, a blessing from God.
We thought of you with love today
But that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday
and days before that too.
We think of you in silence
we often speak your name.
All we have now are memories
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is our keepsake
with which we'll never part.
God has you in his keeping
we have you in our hearts.
A thousand times we cried,
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly
in death we loved you still.
In our hearts you hold a place
no one can ever fill.
It broke our hearts to lose you
but you didn't go alone.
For a part of us went with you
the day God took you home.
~Author Unknown
But that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday
and days before that too.
We think of you in silence
we often speak your name.
All we have now are memories
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is our keepsake
with which we'll never part.
God has you in his keeping
we have you in our hearts.
A thousand times we cried,
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly
in death we loved you still.
In our hearts you hold a place
no one can ever fill.
It broke our hearts to lose you
but you didn't go alone.
For a part of us went with you
the day God took you home.
~Author Unknown
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